Back in Time (featured in "Men In Black 3")

EXT. ROAD -- TEXAS/MEXICO BORDER -- NIGHT

A million stars wink in the night desert sky. Down here on earth, an insect, one of those big, beautiful, multicolored four-winged jobs, glides effortlessly on the breeze, wafting along through the crisp Texas air.

The insect dips, it banks, it does loop-the-loops -- and then SPLATS unceremoniously against the windshield of a white van that's tearing down the road.

INT. VAN -- TEXAS/MEXICO BORDER -- NIGHT

The DRIVER of the van, a fifty-year-old American, turns on the wipers, smearing the remains all over.

DRIVER
Goddamn bugs.

The camera shows the back of the van, where seven illegal immigrants wait. The driver squirts some wiper fluid onto the glass, which clears it up a bit, and then sees something worse up ahead. Headlights, eight of them, all pointed at him, sealing off the road.

He bites his lip and calls over his shoulder, to the back of the van.

DRIVER (CONT'D)
Oh shit! Deja me hablar. Oh crap!

EXT. ROAD -- TEXAS/MEXICO BORDER -- NIGHT

The van slows to a stop in front of the parked cars, all government-issue four doors with "INS" stenciled on the sides. Seven or eight INS AGENTS stand in front of the cars imposingly. Their apparent leader steps forward and comes to the window.

The DRIVER rolls it down. AGENT JANUS, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, also government issue, looks at him and sighs.

AGENT JANUS
Well. Nick the Dick. What a surprise. Where you comin' from?

DRIVER
I was fishing in Cuernavaca.

AGENT JANUS
Sure you were. What do you say we have a look at your catch, huh? [opens the door] Come on.

AT THE BACK OF THE VAN,

the Agents fling open the rear doors, revealing a DOZEN FRIGHTENED MEXICANS, hopeful immigrants without official permission. Agent Janus looks at the Driver, who's now held by two other Agents, and shakes his head.

AGENT JANUS
Me, I woulda thrown 'em back.
(to the passengers, in Spanish)
Vamanos. Fuera. Hagan una lina!

They pile out of the van.

AGENT JANUS (CONT'D)
What do you get, Nick? Hundred bucks a head? Two hundred? I hope you saved it all for your lawyer, pal, 'cause you're gonna
need it.

Another car is approaching, fast, its engine WHINING as it barrels down the road toward them. Several Agents pull their weapons.

The new car pulls a hard right, goes off the road, spins around the INS cars, and SQUEALS to a sideways halt, silhouetted in front of their headlights. It's a boxy, black 1986 Ford LTD.

TWO MEN get out, dressed in plain black suits, crisp white shirts, simple black ties, shiny black shoes. KAY, fiftyish, is the apotheosis of world-weary; his partner, DEE, mid-sixties, is just weary. They approach the INS agents.

KAY
We'll take it from here.

AGENT JANUS
Who the hell are you?

Kay and Dee flash some form of ID.

KAY
INS Division 6.

AGENT JANUS
Division 6? I never heard of Division 6.

KAY
Really?

Kay and Dee move past him and approach the row of nervous immigrants.

KAY (CONT'D)
What're we thinking, Dee?

DEE
Tough call, Kay.

He walks down the row, studying the faces, greeting each one cheerily in subtitled Spanish.

KAY
!Oye! Que pasa, coma estas? Hey!
(What's up, how are you?)
Abuela, no se preocupe, . Bienvenida a los Estados Unidos.
(Don't worry grandma. Welcome to the United States.)
A donde vas? Nogales? Buscando trabajo, no? Tu, lo mismo?
(Where are you going? Nogales? Looking for work? You too?)
Y tu? Es un placer verle aqui.
(And you? It's a pleasure seeing you here.)

One by one, their faces relax, reassured by Kay's calm demeanor. When he reaches the fifth Guy, he keeps the same cheery tone, but:

KAY (CONT'D)
Que dices si te rompo la cara?
(What do you say if I break your face?)

The Guy smiles and nods. Kay stops. His own smile broadens and he drops a hand on the Guy's shoulder.

KAY (CONT'D)
Es muy feo, no? Y no hablas ni una palabra del Español!
(You're very ugly, aren't you? You don't speak a word of Spanish!)

Again, the Guy smiles and nods. Kay looks back at Dee.

KAY (CONT'D)
We got a winner here, Dee

DEE (also laughing)
Oh, I know!

KAY (CONT'D)
(to the others)
Los restos estan libres a irse. Largense!
(The rest of you are free to go. Scram!)

AGENT JANUS
No se mueven!
(Don't move!)

KAY
Tomen el camion, y vayeuse.
(Get on the road and go.)

AGENT JANUS
Sir! Sir, you can't just --

KAY
Don't "Sir" me! You have no idea who you're dealing with!

Silence on the road. The Driver grins, jumps back in the front seat of the van. The others pile into the rear and they tear out of there.

KAY (CONT'D)
(to Janus)
We're gonna have a little chat with our friend here. You boys can hit the road ... and keep on protecting us from dangerous
aliens.

Kay and Dee escort their captive across the road and over a small rise, leaving the stunned INS agents standing alone in the roadway.

AGENT JANUS
You ever heard of Division 6?

2ND INS AGENT
There is no Division 6. This is bullshit.

AGENT JANUS
Yeah.

EXT. DESERT CLEARING - NIGHT

Kay and Dee lead their captive into a clearing in the desert brush.

KAY
Looks like you jumped off the bus in the wrong part of town, amigo. In fact, I'll bet dollars to pesos that you're not from anywhere near here.

He pulls out a knife, and cuts the man's poncho. The man's clothes fall to the ground, revealing what he really is underneath -- an amphibian/reptile with two independent eyes and he also appeared to have a shell on his back, which had six small arms and hands. The only part of his camouflage not crumpled to the ground is the humanesque "head," which he still lamely holds in one of his hands. It's propped up by a stick, like a puppet, and it continues to make expressions
as he holds it.

KAY (CONT'D)
Mikey?!

MIKEY replies -- an unfathomable combination of GRUNTS, SQUEAKS, and saliva.

KAY (CONT'D)
Mikey?! When did they let you out of jail?

Mikey replies.

KAY (CONT'D)
Political refugee. Right.

DEE
You know how many treaties articles you've just violated?

Mikey makes a lame SQUEAK.

KAY
One?

DEE
Try seven.

Mikey continues to talk.

KAY
(off Mikey's objections)
That's enough, Mikey. Hand me that head.

Mikey delivers the head prop.

KAY
Now put up your arms and all your flippers.

As Mike continues to talk, Janus is climbing a hill behind them. He lets out a terrified GASP. One of the alien's eyes, on a tall
stalk, whips around. All three of them see AGENT JANUS, standing just over the rise, staring in frozen amazement. As the eye returns to place...

KAY (CONT'D)
Ah, shit.

Mikey gets mad and changes into an angry stance, with all flippers shaking this, and gets very mad. He knocks Dee out of the way, and takes off straight at Janus, SCREECHING a horrible Space Bastard screech as Agent Janus SCREAMS and freezes, terrified.

KAY (CONT'D)
Dee! Shoot him!

Dee struggles to roll over and change the controls on his gun, which fell out of his hand as he hit the ground.

KAY (CONT'D)
Dee!

Kay drops the head, puts his hand inside the jacket. Mikey keeps moving, covering the last few yards to Janus quickly. He steps on a rock, launches himself into the air, his dripping jaws cranked wide open --

-- there is a SIZZLING sound, a brilliant white flash --

-- and Mikey ERUPTS in a geyser of blue goo that splatters all over the ground, the trees, and Agent Janus' face. Behind where Mikey was, Kay stands, smoking weapon in hand, and sighs.

EXT. DESERT CLEARING -- NIGHT

Janus walks further into the clearing. Janus is white, shaking, eyes like silver dollars.

AGENT JANUS
Th -- th -- th --

KAY
(helping)
"That."

AGENT JANUS
That wasn't -- wasn't -- wasn't --

KAY
Human, I know. Oops. Got some entrails on you there, pal.

The INS AGENTS pull their guns and run toward the rise.

KAY
Okay, everybody, situation's under control, calm down. If you'll just give me your attention for a moment I'll tell you what happened.

From over the rise, car engines WHINE in the distance and headlights start to flash around them. Kay reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tubular metallic device the size of a pocket recorder.

KAY (CONT'D)
This is called a "neuralyzer." A gift from some friends from out of town. The red eye here isolates and measures the electronic
impulses in your brain. More specifically, the ones for memory.

Behind him, six more MEN IN BLACK, all wearing black suits and sunglasses, come over the hill. Kay barks a few orders to them.

KAY (CONT'D)
Fellas, give me a splay burn around the perimeter with holes on the perimeter, please; holes at 40, 60, and 80 meters. Right here! Thank you!

TONGUES OF FIRE blast from a flame thrower held by one of the Men in Black. The Men in Black are now using fire extinguishers to douse the flames they themselves started.

2ND INS AGENT
What in the hell is going on?!

Kay moves the dials on the Neuralyzer's back.

KAY
Excellent question. The answer you're looking for lies right here.

JANUS
Who are you, really?

KAY
Really? [puts on sunglasses] I'm just a figment of your
imagination.

He holds up the neuralyzer. The Agents peer closely at it. Kay pushes a button on the side of the neuralyzer. A BLINDING FLASH a tenth of a second long sears the Agents' eyeballs. They stare blankly.

KAY (CONT'D)
God, we're a gullible breed.

Kay looks back at the INS Agents, who are just coming around, as if awakening from a concussion.

KAY (CONT'D)
I mean it, fellas, you are lucky to be alive after a blast like that.

The Agents look around, confused.

AGENT JANUS
What -- blast?

KAY
Underground gas vein, genius. You guys need to exercise more caution before discharging your firearms.

He jabs a finger into Janus' chest.

KAY (CONT'D)
Especially you.

Dee has moved away from them all and is sitting on a rock, staring up at the night sky, his sunglasses dangling idly from one hand. Kay steps away from the group and finds him. He sits down next to him.

DEE
I'm sorry. About...back there.

KAY
Happens.

DEE
Didn't used to.

He holds up his hands, which tremble with age.

DEE (CONT'D)
The spirit's willing, Kay, but the rest of me...

He looks up, at the million stars shining overhead.

DEE (CONT'D)
They're beautiful, aren't they?

KAY
What?

DEE
The stars. We never just -- look. Anymore. (back to Kay) I'll tell ya, Kay. I will miss the chase. I will miss the chase.

Kay puts the sunglasses, pulls his neuralyzer from his pocket and looks down at it.

KAY
No. You won't.

EXT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION -- SOUTHERN EXPOSURE -- NIGHT

A shot of the clock on the Station's stately southern exposure. WE PAN DOWN TO...

A pair of feet running. They belong to a man we will know as the PERPETRATOR. As we track with him, he SPEEDS UP and OUT OF FRAME.

A new set of feet come into frame. These belong to JAMES EDWARDS, a NYC COP in undercover street clothes. In the BACKGROUND, about ten feet behind, are two other cops, trying to keep up.

Edwards is a lot faster, though. He pulls out his badge that hangs from a chain under his shirt.

EDWARDS
Stop! NYPD!

He continues running, out of frame, and we stay on one of the other COPS, overweight, who gives up the chase and drops to his knees, heaving air.

COP
All yours, Edwards!

The Cop fumbles in his pocket for a pack of cigarettes.

TRACK WITH EDWARDS AND THE PERP

As they run down the bridge that traverses Park Avenue in the low Forties. The Perp veers to the left and, seemingly oblivious to the fact that it's a thirty-foot drop, he hurdles the guard rail, and drops to Forty-first Street below.

EDWARDS is surprised by this maneuver, but doesn't waste a second. He, too, hurdles the guard rail and lands on...

EXT. 41ST STREET AND PARK AVENUE - NIGHT

A DOUBLE-DECKER BUS, one of those cheesy sightseers that hold up midtown traffic. The bus, of course, is completely filled with JAPANESE TOURISTS, and it seems like every single one of them has a video camera.

EDWARDS pushes through the crowd...

EDWARDS
What the hell? It just be raining black people in New York.

With the bus still moving, he scrambles down the circular stairs and runs out through the side door.

He spots the Perp, sailing east on Forty-first Street.

Edwards spots one of those New York Post delivery trucks, the kind with the open back door, rumbling by. He runs and jumps into the back.

EXT. FIFTH AVENUE -- NIGHT

THE PERP, meanwhile, is running at top speed, when Edwards glides into frame and pushes him towards a wall.

EDWARDS
Do you see this? N.Y.P.D.! It means I will knock your punk-ass down!

The Perp, now straddled by Edwards, is terrified.

PERP
He's coming! He's coming!

EDWARDS
And when he gets here, I'll kick his ass too.

Edwards is about to slap the cuffs on him, when the Perp pulls out his WEAPON, which is the strangest looking gun you've ever seen. Reacting quickly, Edwards bats it out of the Perp's hand. THE WEAPON smashes into the ground and explodes in fire.

EDWARDS
You trying to catch a beat down?

As Edwards tries to ram his head on the wall, The Perp walks on it to backflip and land safely on his feet and take off again. Edwards hits the wall, and then goes runs after him.

The Perp leaps over a moving car, towards the GUGGENHEIM MUSEUM. Edwards tries to follow, but a bus pulls in front of him. After it passes, the Perp is gone.

EXT. GUGGENHEIM MUSEUM -- NIGHT

Edwards runs over to the Museum, leans over the wall that surrounds it, and in the next instant...

The Perp flies past him, having leapt from twenty feet down to the top of the Guggenheim. He scrambles up and over the ledge.

Edward reacts. He runs to the front door of the Museum, shoots it open and runs inside.

He runs from the rotunda up the grand ramp of the Guggenheim.

EXT. GUGGENHEIM MUSEUM -- ROOF -- NIGHT

On the roof, the PERP reaches the top, climbs over the edge, and CRUNCHES to the gravel surface. He leaps to his feet and races over to a door. It's locked.

He tugs on another. It's locked too. He pulls on a third. It swings open --

-- revealing EDWARDS on the other side, breathing hard. He aims his weapon at the Perp.

EDWARDS
Wassup?

PERP
He's coming! He's coming because I failed, and now he'll kill me too!

EDWARDS
You pissing everybody off today, huh?

PERP
You don't understand. Your world is gonna end.

The Perp blinks with another set of translucent, milky white eyelids, from the side of his eyeballs. Edwards is thrown off.

EDWARDS
What are you?

The Perp backpedals, toward the edge of the roof.

EDWARDS
Watch that ledge.Watch it.Come down. We'll get those eyes fixed.Don't even worry about it. Wait a minute. Let me talk to you!

But the Perp has backed right into the edge of the roof, and starts to fall over, crashing to the ground.

CUT TO:

EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT

A lonely farmhouse stands amid the fields of upstate New York farm country. A truck is parked in the driveway, and a cow grazes next to it. A Man (EDGAR)'s voice is heard.

EDGAR (O.S.)
I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on
the table, but instead I get this -- this -- I don't even know what you call this!

In the sky above, it's one of those brilliant star fields. But something strange is happening with one of those stars -- it's getting bigger.

EDGAR (O.S.)
I'll tell you what it looks like, it looks like poison. Don't you take that away, I'm eating that, damn it! It is poison, isn't it?!

No, that star isn't getting bigger, it's moving. Toward us. Fast. It goes from a pinpoint to a dime, to a nickel, to a quarter, and works its way into fruit metaphors. The cow starts to walk away from the truck.

EDGAR (O.S.)
I swear to God, I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog been hit too much -- or ain't been
hit enough, I can't make up my mind.

Okay, we're way past watermelon now, that thing is huge, and it's starting to glow hot red as it enters the earth's atmosphere, headed straight toward us, coming here, to Beatrice and Edgar's place.

The blazing fireball barrels through the sky, SNAPS off a couple trees --

EDGAR (O.S.)
You're useless, Beatrice! The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck!

-- and SLAMS right through a pickup truck parked in the driveway. A concussive BLAST follows, then a geyser of smoke and flame erupts.

The door opens. Edgar is everything his voice led us to expect -- a nasty, bug-eyed redneck carrying a twelve-gauge shotgun.

EDGAR
Figures.

Edgar walks across the yard, going into the hulking shell that was his truck. The skeleton of the truck is still there, but there's a huge, smoldering hole in it, a hole that goes at least ten feet down into the ground.

BEATRICE calls from behind him, standing in the doorway fearfully.

BEATRICE
What is it, Edgar?!

EDGAR
(turns to her)
Get your big butt back in that house!

Beatrice does as she's told, closing the door behind her. Edgar approaches the hole. AN OTHERWORLDLY VOICE comes from deep in the hole.

VOICE (O.S.)
Place projectile weapon on ground.

Edgar staggers back a step, terrified. But then he regains himself, raises the weapon, and steps forward, pointing it menacingly down into the hole.

EDGAR
You can have my gun [cocks it] when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers!

The voice responds, in a voice and cadence remarkably similar to Edgar's.

VOICE (O.S.)
Your proposal is acceptable.

A long, hairy pincer flashes out of the hole, grabs Edgar by the head, and pulls him down into the hole.

From deep in the hole, we hear a terrible RIPPING sound, like a bedsheet being torn in half. There are some disgusting GUSHY sounds, then a moment later, something flies out of the hole and FLOPS onto the ground next to the truck.

It's Edgar. Well, sort of. His body parts still hang together -- face, arms, legs, even clothes -- but everything inside has been removed and now he just lies there, flat and empty, like a tuxedo on the floor after the prom.

The thing is pulled back... and Edgar comes out, but rugged and dirty, and makes a sound as he moves his jaw.

CUT TO:

INT. FARMHOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

BEATRICE sits at the kitchen table. Edgar first hits the panel door, then opens it. He carries the shotgun. She looks up at him. But his face is a blank.

BEATRICE
What on earth was it?!

He looks at her strangely. When he speaks, his voice is different than before. More refined.

EDGAR
Sugar.

BEATRICE
I've never seen sugar do that.

EDGAR
Give me sugar.

Puzzled, Beatrice gets up, goes to the cabinet, and grabs a bag of sugar. She holds it out to him.

EDGAR (CONT'D)
In water.

Frightened, she takes a glass of water from the table. She dumps some of the sugar into it.

EDGAR (CONT'D)
More.

She puts more, till the glass is brimming. She stirs it quickly with a knife and hands it to him, her hand trembling.

Edgar takes it and downs it in a single gulp. Beatrice stares at Edgar, no idea what to think. She notices something odd about the skin on his neck.

BEATRICE
Edgar, your skin is hanging off your bones.

Edgar drops the glass and looks in a window, to catch his reflection. He turns around, reaches up --

-- and twists his whole face, as if adjusting a ski mask, by pulling his hair up and stretching his whole face.

EDGAR
That better?

Beatrice faints.

EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT

The cow observes as a loud SCRAPING sound comes from the pit left by the spaceship. The flying saucer is rolled out of the pit by Edgar.


CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM -- NIGHT

EDWARDS sits on one side of the table, a POLICE INSPECTOR and a UNIFORMED SERGEANT (the one who gave up the chase and lit a cigarette earlier), sit across from him.

INSPECTOR
Perpetrator then blinked two sets of eyelids. You mean blinked with both eyes?

EDWARDS
No, sir. He blinked once with one set, then again with another completely different set.

SERGEANT
Sort of a low beam, high beam.

INSPECTOR
Was that before or after he drew the weapon which you claim evaporated into a million pieces?

EDWARDS
After, sir.

INSPECTOR
And why do you suppose none of the other officers saw either of these two events?

EDWARDS
'Cause some of the other officers are a little soggy in the midsection. And they couldn't keep up, sir.

SERGEANT
Hey, Edwards, if you were half the man I am --

EDWARDS
What do you mean? I am half the man you are.

SERGEANT
What the hell is your problem?

EDWARDS
My problem is you being all up in my damn face all the time.

SERGEANT
I think he threw him off the roof.

EDWARDS
Maybe you're next.

INSPECTOR
(cutting off the Sergeant)
Sergeant. I want to talk to you outside. Now.

SERGEANT
Ten minutes -- take your best shot.

EDWARDS
Take ten minutes on a Stairmaster, you pudgy bastard.

A woman sneaks into the room. DOCTOR LAUREL WEAVER, thirtyish, dark-haired, dark-eyed, general aura of darkness around her, stands above him. Laurel looks like she was just dragged out of bed (which she was) and saw a spaceman (which she did). She looks over her shoulder once, then
whispers to him.

LAUREL
I believe you. [extends her hand, Edwards grabs it] Laurel Weaver. Deputy Medical Examiner. Find me at the morgue on 26th. I'll tell you what I found.

EDWARDS
Hey...Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

He turns around, but she's already in the corridor behind the room, but is STOPPED by someone who remains in shadow.

SHADOW (O.S.)
You're Dr. Weaver, from the coroner's office? Working on the John Doe?

LAUREL
Yes. That's right.

SHADOW (O.S.)
Would you look right here, please.

A red flash hits Laurel, who keeps still on the hallway. Then KAY steps into the room and closes the door behind him. As he goes to the security camera to turn it off by the power cable...

KAY
Some night, huh?

EDWARDS
Oh, yeah, some night.

KAY
They were gills. Not eyelids. Gills. He was out of breath.

EDWARDS
Who are you?

KAY
Did he say anything to you?

EDWARDS
(scoffing)
Yeah, sure. He said the world was coming to an end.

KAY
Did he say when?

Silence, as Edwards stares in disbelief.

KAY
Would you recognize his weapon if you saw it again?

EDWARDS
Absolutely.

KAY
Let's take a ride.

EDWARDS
Wait a minute. I got a ton of paperwork.

KAY
It's all done.

At that point, the INSPECTOR appears with a folder, smiles and gives Edwards the thumbs up.

INSPECTOR
Good work, Edwards.

Edwards looks at the Inspector, then at Kay. As they leave.

KAY
You ran that guy down on foot? That's tough. That's double tough.

CUT TO:

INT. FORD LTD - A MOMENT LATER - DRIVING

A plain, boxy Ford approaches a pawn shop. Kay and Edwards' voices are heard inside it.

EDWARDS
So who you with?

KAY
I'm part of a secret organization that monitors and polices alien activity on earth.

EDWARDS
Whatever.

KAY
We're here.

Kay opens the door and gets out of the car. Edwards follows.

EXT. PAWN SHOP - NIGHT

Edwards looks around. Sees they're standing in front of a PAWN SHOP.

EDWARDS
This is where we're going?

KAY
Yeah.

EDWARDS
This is Jack Jeebs' spot. He buys from chain snatchers.
Doesn't even sell guns.

KAY
Really?

EDWARDS
All right, you think it's worth shaking him up, fine. I'll do my thing. Then I want some answers.

KAY
Do your "thing," kid.

Edwards goes inside.

INT. PAWN SHOP - NIGHT

JACK JEEBS is the sleazy, sarcastic proprietor of the Pawn Shop. He's not easily intimidated.

JEEBS
Officer Edwards. Oh, hey, geez, how'd these get here? I thought I turned 'em in to the proper authorities.

He casually brushes some Rolexes off the counter.

EDWARDS
Way I hear it, Jeebs, you into something a little hotter than some stolen Rolexes.

JEEBS
Sure -- I'm a big crack dealer now. I just work here because I love the hours.

This pisses Edwards off. He grabs Jeebs by the collar.

EDWARDS
(getting angry)
I'm talking about guns, Jeebs. High-tech stuff.

JEEBS
C'mon, Edwards, whatcha see is what I got.

Kay walks into the room.

KAY
Why don't you show him the imports, Jeebs.

At the sound of Kay's voice, Jeebs suddenly pales, a look of fear coming over his face.

JEEBS
H-hiya Kay, how are you?

KAY
The imports, Jeebs. Now.

JEEBS
You know I got outta that business a long time ago, Kay.

KAY
Why do you lie to me? I hate it when you lie.

He pulls his own gun and aims it at Jeebs' forehead.

JEEBS
Whoa, whoa, Kay, hold on a minute here...

KAY
I'm going to count to three.

Edwards, seeing that Kay is getting somewhere, joins in the routine.

EDWARDS
He'll do it, Jeebs.

KAY
One.

EDWARDS
I've seen him do it.

KAY
Two.

EDWARDS
Talk to me, Jeebs, he's crazy when he's like this.

JEEBS
He's always crazy. (to Kay) Take a cruise. Get a massage --

KAY
Three.

KA-BOOM! Kay blows Jeebs' head off and Jeebs' body collapses to the floor. Edwards is shocked.

Edwards pulls his own weapon and points it at Kay's head.

EDWARDS
Put down the gun and put your hands on the counter!

KAY
I warned him.

EDWARDS
Drop the weapon!

KAY
You warned him.

EDWARDS
You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent.

KAY
Will you relax?

JEEBS (O.S.)
(irritated, in a helium voice)You insensitive prick!

Edwards whirls around to see Jeebs' BODY, growing another head. Only takes four or five seconds. Kay calmly shoves his gun up against Jeebs' baby-soft new cheek.

JEEBS (CONT'D)
Do you know how much that stings?

KAY
Show us what you got, Jeebs. Or I'll use up another one.

Jeebs, panicked, hits a button on the underside of the counter, which promptly flips over, revealing yet another dusty shelf, piled high with junk --

-- but this is all alien junk. Weapons, mostly, bizarre, otherworldly weapons of all shapes and sizes.

KAY
Edwards?

Edwards, still dazed by Jeebs' regrown head, glances down at all the weapons. He recognizes one.

EDWARDS
Uh, this. This is what I saw.

Kay looks at Jeebs, pissed off.

KAY
You sold a carbonizer with implosion capacity to an unlicensed cephlapoid.

JEEBS
He looked all right to me.

KAY
A carbonizer is an assassin's weapon, Jeebs. Who was the target?

JEEBS
I don't know.

Kay raises the weapon again, threatening.

KAY
Jeebs!

JEEBS
I don't know!

Kay lowers his gun, gestures to the shelf full of weapons.

KAY
This is all confiscated. All of it. I want you on the next transport off this rock. Or I'll shoot you where it doesn't grow back.

Jeebs nods, point taken. Kay leaves.

EDWARDS
Yeah. I'll be by tomorrow for those Rolexes.

Shaken, Edwards follows.

EXT. PAWN SHOP -- NIGHT

Edwards staggers out of the shop, trying to get the day's events straight in his head.

KAY
Searching for a handle on the moment here? I can't help you, kid.

Kay pulls the sunglasses from his pocket and puts them on.

KAY (cont'd)
Only comfort I can offer is my promise that tomorrow morning you won't remember a thing.

EDWARDS
That's not exactly some shit you just forget.

He shows the Neuralyzer to Edwards.

KAY
Ever see one of these?

CUT TO:

INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

-- the flash dims on EDWARDS and KAY, sitting at a table in a Chinese restaurant.

KAY
(finishing a joke)
-- and the wife says yeah, Harry, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!

He busts out laughing. Edwards, across from him, is completely disoriented. He looks down. There's a half-eaten order of broccoli beef and several empty bottles of beer on the table in front of him.

EDWARDS
Huh?

Kay checks his watch.

KAY
Whoops. Gotta run. Thanks for the egg rolls.

EDWARDS
Where am I?

KAY
See what I mean about tequila? You're a bright young man, James. Just lay off the sauce. I'll see you tomorrow, nine a.m.
sharp.

He gives a business card before leaving the restaurant. Edward sees the card, it's just three little letters, dead in the middle of the card: "MiB". Edwards looks at it, puzzled. He turns the card over and sees " 504 Battery Drive."

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. GARAGE - DAY

A pest control van, reading "Zap Em", approaches a garage.

INT GARAGE - DAY

The door opens on a garage. The morning light spills on an abundance of cockroaches, crawling everywhere -- big ones, small ones, hundreds of them have moved in and taken over this dusty place. An EXTERMINATOR steps inside, carrying a tank of toxic gas.

EXTERMINATOR
Well, well, well. Movin' right in, are we? Think we own the place?

He unfurls a hose from the side of the tank.

EXTERMINATOR(CONT'D)
Got a little eviction notice for you, boys.

He raises a mask to his face and unscrews the handle on the top of the tank. LETHAL GAS starts to HISS from the end of the hose.

VOICE (O.S.)
Just what exactly do you think you're doing?

The Exterminator turns around. EDGAR stands in the doorway to the garage, staring at him disdainfully.

EXTERMINATOR
(shrugs)
Takin' care of your pest problem.

EDGAR
"Pest" problem? "Pest?"

EXTERMINATOR
Yeah. You got a hell of an infestation.

Edgar advances on him, slowly.

EDGAR
You know, I have noticed an infestation here. Everywhere I look, in fact. Nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond scum. So convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short, pointless lives.

EXTERMINATOR
Well -- yeah. Don't you want to get rid of 'em?

EDGAR
In the worst way.

Edgar lashes out quickly, jerking the mask off the Exterminator's face with one hand and shoving the gas hose down his throat with the other. He falls dead on the floor.


EXT. GARAGE - DAY

The Zap-Em truck now has the rear door down and the ramp standing. Edgar rolls the flying saucer towards it.

CUT TO:

EXT. MIB BUILDING - DAY

The next morning. EDWARDS, holding the small MIB business card in his hand, compares the address written down by Kay to the address on the utterly nondescript building in front of him: the ventilation tower of the Brooklyn-Battery Tunnel, which connects Manhattan with Brooklyn.

INT. MIB BUILDING - TUNNEL VENT ROOM - DAY

EDWARDS steps through a heavily barred metal door and into long, bizarre room. One wall is entirely dominated by the enormous blades of a tunnel vent air intake. There is an elevator at the far end of the room and an OLD SECURITY GUARD, the rent-a-cop kind, reading a comic book on a folding
metal chair halfway across. A symbol resembling an atom nucleus is on the floor.

Edwards walks across the room, his footsteps ECHOING. The Guard looks up.

GUARD
Help you?

EDWARDS
Maybe, I'm not sure, see, I got this card --

GUARD
Elevator.

And he goes back to his comic book. Edwards, maybe out of nothing more than curiosity at this point, walks across the room, toward the elevator. As he draws close, the elevator doors WHOOSH open, expecting him.

INT. MIB BUILDING - ENTRANCE ELEVATOR - DAY

Edwards steps inside and turns around. The doors close. The elevato moves for a while as Jay stares at the card, and then door on the other side of the elevator slide open silently behind him.

From behind him, somebody clears their throat. Edwards turns around, and finds himself standing in --

INT. MIB BUILDING - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY

This back room is every bit as mysterious and unfamiliar as the entryway. Standing at the front of the room is ZED, a wire-haired career G-man, an old school bureaucrat, wearing the exact same kind of suit Kay had on last night. SIX OTHER HOT RECRUITS sit in egg-shaped chairs, staring at Edwards.

One chair is empty.

ZED
You're late. Sit down.

Edwards takes the remaining chair. The elevator doors slide shut. Zed continues addressing the Recruits.

ZED (CONT'D)
My name is Zed. You're all here because you're the best of the best. Marines, Navy SEALS, Army Rangers...NYPD.

They all turn and regard Edwards a little smugly. He gives it back.

ZED (CONT'D)
And we're looking for one of you. Just one. What will follow is a series of simple tests designed to quantify motor skills,
hand-eye coordination, concentration, stamina -- I see we have a question.

Edwards's hand is, indeed, up.

EDWARDS
Why, uh -- I'm sorry, it's just no one really asked this, but -- why, exactly, are we doing this?

Silence. Then one of the young recruits eagerly raises his hand. Zed calls on him.

ZED
Son?

AMBITIOUS RECRUIT
(loud and formal)
Jake Jensen, West Point, graduate with honors. We're here because you're looking for the best of the best of the best, sir!

Edwards tries to stifle a laugh, but can't.

ZED
What's so funny, Edwards?

EDWARDS
Your boy, Captain America, here. "The best of the best of the best, sir!'' ''With honors.'' He's just really excited, and he has no clue why we're here. That's very funny to me. Y'all ain't laughing, though.

EDWARDS
Want to get down on this?

ZED
Okay. Let's get going.

The recruits get the written test. It's a thick document -- reasoning skills, general knowledge, diagrams.

EDWARDS is struggling to just open it: he rips through the first page, and then breaks the pencil trying to break the tape holding it together. Behind the dark glass, Kay stands, staring, unemotional.

The RECRUITS are all struggling to get a place to write in their chairs, given no desks were provided. One even has his pencil TEAR through the page.

Edwards looks up. In the middle of the tile floor, there is an unused table. Edwards gets up, goes to it, grabs hold --

-- and drags it, SCREECHING DEAFENINGLY, back to his chair. Everybody looks up, wincing at the horrible sound that fills the room.

Edwards sits back down, now writing on the table. That's better.

EDWARDS
Want to get down on this?

They stare silently.

CUT TO:

INT. MIB BUILDING -- SHOOTING GALLERY -- DAY

SEVEN WEAPONS rest on a table in the middle of an otherwise empty, triangular room. A claxon rings, and it's shown the SEVEN RECRUITS are in front of the table. The two far walls pull apart. The whole room starts being covered in stroboscopic lights, while an urban landscape featuring human and alien carboard figures shows. The Recruits lunge for the weapons, snapping them up and taking aim. Everyone but Edwards shoots. And then a second later, he fires. The lights come down. Then the door opens. Light pours in, and ZED
with it. Even the highly competitive cadets can't help but feel some sympathy as Zed walks straight to Edwards.

ZED
The hell happened?

EDWARDS
Hesitated, sir.

Zed looks into the gallery. Most obvious in the frozen tableau of creatures is a lunging, snarling beast, which has three bullet holes in its chest. Next to it is a massively deformed humanoid creature with a large hook for a head, which also has three holes in it. In the back corner of the gallery, there is a single bullet hole in a pretty eight-year-old girl.

ZED
May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?

EDWARDS
She was the only one who actually seemed dangerous. At the time.

ZED
And how did you come to that conclusion?

EDWARDS
First, I was going to pop this guy hanging from the streetlight but I realized he's just working out. How'd I feel if somebody bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill?Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand and realized he's not snarling, he's sneezing -- he's got tissues
in his hand. Ain't no real threat there. Then I saw Tiffany. I'm thinking, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto... bunch of monsters at night with quantum physics books. She about to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight. Those books are way too advanced for her. If you ask me, she's up to something. Honestly, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it.

Sideways glances from the other recruits. Zed sighs.

EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Or, uh -- do I owe her an apology?

Zed walks away.

EDWARDS
That was a good shot though, right?

Uncomfortable looks.

CUT TO:

INT. MIB BUILDING - OBSERVATION ROOM/INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY

ZED and KAY stand behind smoked glass, staring at the RECRUITS, who are still in the shooting gallery, waiting for a decision.

ZED
He's got a real problem with authority.

KAY
So do I. But this kid ran down a cephlapoid on foot, boss. That's got to be tough enough.

ZED
I hope you know what you're doing.

Zed turns and walks away. Kay stares through the glass, at EDWARDS, who stands alone on one side of the room, apart from the rest of the group.

Zed reappears on the other side of the glass, coming through a door and into the shooting gallery. As he talks, Kay turns and walks off.

ZED (CONT'D)
Congratulations, you're everything we've come to expect from years of government training. Now, if you'll just follow me, we
have one more test to administer, an eye exam.

INT. MIB BUILDING - HALLWAY - DAY

The RECRUITS follow ZED out of the shooting gallery and into a long hallway. Zed motions them off to the left. EDWARDS is the last one out of the room, but he stops as he steps into the hallway.

KAY is outside the door, waiting for him.

KAY
Where are you going?

Edwards recognizes him from last night and walks towards him.

EDWARDS
You! Hey, what's goin' on?

Once Edwards approaches, Kay gives him a folder. Both start walking down the corridor.

KAY
Back in the mid-fifties, the government started a little underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of making contact with a race not of this planet.

As they pass an alcove, Edwards notices the six other Recruits, who have been herded into a corner. Zed, addressing them, pulls a neuralyzer from his pocket.

ZED
Now, if you'll look directly at the end of this device.

He holds a neuralyzer up in front of them, and the Recruits stare obediently at it as Zed slips on a pair of black sunglasses.

Edwards then turns to the folder, and starts reading from it. As Kay talks and both walk, Zed's neuralyzer FLASHES.

KAY
Everybody thought the agency was a joke. Except the aliens. They made contact on March 2nd, 1961, outside New York City.

Cut to Edwards' point of view - the folder has thick with eight by ten photographs. He hands Jay the first picture, a shot of eight or nine MEN in plain black suits standing around a fifties-style office with metal desks and fluorescent lights... and one young man resembling young KAY in a plaid shirt holding a bouquet.

KAY (CONT'D)
There were nine of us that night. Seven agents. An amateur astronomer. And one poor kid who got lost on the wrong back road.

Yet another photograph, this one showing the young man giving the tall alien the flowers.

EDWARDS
Oh, you brought that tall man some flowers.

Kay steers Edwards to the right, down another corridor, just as long as the first.

KAY
They were intergalactic refugees with a simple request. Let us use the earth as an apolitical zone for people without a planet. Ever see "Casablanca?" [Edwards replies yes] Same thing, no Nazis. We agreed. So we masked all evidence of their landing.

Another picture, this one of the 1964 World's Fair grounds, still under construction. Giant models of rockets mark the Fair's theme of space travel; most prominent in the construction are two tall towers, with the flying saucers now mounted at the top of each.

EDWARDS
So these are real flying saucers and the World's Fair was a cover-up for their landing?

KAY
Why else would we hold it in Queens? (another hallway) More nonhumans arrive every year. They live among us, in secret.

EDWARDS
I see. Not to change the subject, but when was your last CAT scan?

KAY
Every six months; it's company policy.

EDWARDS
Make another appointment. Tell your boy Zed I had an absolutely wonderful time and thank you for everything but show me the door.

They have stopped next to an unmarked door. Kay throws it open and steps inside.

KAY
All right. I'm going to get some coffee. You want some coffee?

EDWARDS
No, thank you, I'm fine.

As Kay walks into the kitchenette, THREE WORM-LIKE ALIENS standing around a water cooler. Impossibly thin, most certainly not from New York, the aliens hold an animated conversation in a language that seems like a combination of
Esperanto and microphone feedback. One holds the coffee pot, another drinks and smokes.

KAY
How you doing, fellas?

WORMS
Hi Kay!

Kay grabs a paper cup, approaches the one with the pot.

KAY
That's not decaf, is it?

WORM
Viennese cinnamon.

KAY
Don't tell me we've only got that powdered stuff for cream again?

One of the Worm Aliens answers him in their native tongue and points to the counter.

KAY (CONT'D)
Well, that's good. Good. Good.

He finds the cream sitting out on the counter where the alien indicated, dumps some in his coffee.

KAY
You guys getting along all right?

They reply in their language.

KAY
Don't work too hard.

He comes back outside, closing the door behind him.

WORM
So, you guys seen the cahuengas on...

Kay approaches the slack-jawed Edwards.

KAY (CONT'D)
Sure you don't want coffee?

WORM
Cahuengas, yeah, but how about the zapoata?

As the worms laugh, the scene cuts.

CUT TO:

EXT. BATTERY PARK - DAY

EDWARDS, thrown for a major loop, sits like a zombie alongside KAY on a bench in Battery Park. Kay drinks his coffee while they talk.

KAY
Any given time, around fifteen hundred landed aliens are on the planet, the majority right here in Manhattan. Most aliens are decent enough, just trying to make a living.

EDWARDS
Cab drivers?

KAY
Not as many as you'd think. Humans, for the most part, don't have a clue. Don't want one, either. They're happy. They think
they've got a pretty good bead on things.

EDWARDS
Why the big secret? People are smart, they can handle it.

KAY
A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals. You know it. A thousand years ago everybody knew Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat. Fifteen minutes ago, you knew that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.

EDWARDS
So what's the catch?

KAY
The catch.The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere. Ever. l give you to sunrise to think it over.

Kay gets up and walks away.

EDWARDS
Is it worth it?

KAY
Yeah, it's worth it... if you're strong enough.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BATTERY PARK - DUSK

Almost nighttime now, and the park is empty. EDWARDS is still on the bench. And still thinking. Above him, the stars are coming out.

Slowly, he looks up, into the vastness of the heavens.

CUT TO:

EXT. NEW JERSEY - EARLY MORNING

We are looking at a telephoto shot of Manhattan in all its splendor.

We see the Zap Em van topping a hill, heading towards Manhattan.

CUT TO:

INT. MIB BUILDING - TUNNEL VENT ROOM - DAY

EDWARDS stands in the middle of the tunnel vent room, the same one he first came into yesterday. The guard is still there.

EDWARDS
What's up, pops?

The elevator doors open and KAY, obviously summoned by the OLD SECURITY GUARD, stands waiting for him.

EDWARDS
One thing you gotta know right now.

Edwards walks briskly forward and gets in the elevator with Kay.

INT. MIB BUILDING - ELEVATOR - DAY

Inside the elevator, the doors WHOOSH shut, KAY turns a key in a certain floor number, and the descent begins. EDWARDS continues.

EDWARDS
All right. I'm in because there's some next-level shit going on around here, and I'm with that. Before you beam me up, there
are a couple of things we need to get straight. First off, you chose me, so you recognize the skills. I don't want nobody calling me "son" or "kid" or "sport." Cool?

KAY
Whatever you say, slick. But I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now...

The elevator doors --

INT. MIB BUILDING - HEADQUARTERS - DAY

-- slide open on Men in Black headquarters.

KAY
...they mean precisely dick.

It's unlike anything we've ever seen -- huge, multileveled, of sixties design, polished steel and glass. The workplaces are sleek and uncluttered, manned by both HUMANS and ALIENS. Most of the Aliens stay in the background, like the UPSIDE-DOWN GUY who walks on the ceiling, shuffling papers.

KAY and EDWARDS step off the elevator and onto a platform that looks out over the whole place.

Kay leads him down into the complex. First, they walk past a sort of passport control center, where a human BUREAUCRAT at a desk is checking the documents of a line of ALIENS who've just arrived. There are a dozen bizarre life forms in that line, CHATTING in half a dozen different alien tongues.

Edwards slows as they pass, listening to the PASSPORT CONTROL OFFICER as he addresses an ARQUILLIAN, a large, humanoid visitor.

PASSPORT OFFICER
Purpose of trip?

ARQUILLIAN
Diplomatic mission.

PASSPORT OFFICER
Duration of stay?

ARQUILLIAN
Lunch.

PASSPORT OFFICER
Carrying any fruits or vegetables?

As Edwards passes by an alien resembling a giant slub and just stares, fascinated, Kay grabs him by the arm and hurries him along.

KAY
Let's go. He's a little...grouchy.

Kay moves him into the central hall.

KAY
Three-hour delay in customs after a 17 trillion mile flight gonna make anybody cranky. Right?

EDWARDS
What branch of the government do we report to?

KAY
None. They ask too many questions.

EDWARDS
So who pays for all this?

KAY
Oh, we hold a few patents on gadgets we confiscated from our out-of-state visitors. Velcro. Microwave Ovens. Liposuction.

AT A STORAGE CAGE, Kay turns a key in the lock of a caged-in area and throws the door open. Inside, there are piles of sophisticated-looking devices stacked on shelves and tabletops.

KAY
(picking something up)
This is a fascinating little gadget. A new recording device to replace CD's. So now I gotta buy the White Album again. (something else) This is amusing. Universal translator.

He holds up a cylindrical metal tube and a small wire clip that looks like a lapel microphone.

KAY (CONT'D)
We're not supposed to have it. I'll tell you why. Human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it?

Edwards touches up a small yellow ball that stands floating above a torch-like device.

EDWARDS
What's this?

THE BALL ZINGS OUT OF EDWARDS' HANDS -- it flies out into the main complex -- hits the ceiling and ricochets around the room, faster than the eye can follow --

VARIOUS SHOTS OF HUMANS AND ALIENS ducking, dodging, and jumping out of its way. One experiment room has all the beakers and such breaking. In Zed's office, the boss barely notices the bouncing ball.

EDWARDS
(to various people as the ball approaches or hits them)
Relax! Watch your head! Somebody get him some ice.Move! Just move when it's coming at you!Damn! I'm going to pay for that!

ON KAY as he calmly, a little wearily, slips an odd-looking metal glove over his right hand...

He raises his hand and the yellow ball zings into it -- Kay catches the ball, calmly.

KAY (CONT'D)
Caused the '77 New York blackout. Practical joke by the Great Attractor. He thought it was funny as hell.

They leave the room.

EDWARDS
Sorry! It was a accident. Sorry.

ON THE MAIN FLOOR, they walk briskly across the room, reaching a giant screen on the far wall.

KAY
Observation, the heart of our little endeavor. Meet the twins. Idikiukup and Bob.

Kay gestures to two small, bony CREATURES with eight arms each and a single eye growing out of a central stalk in their heads. They turn around and wave two or three arms each.

The screen displays a map of the world on which thousands of tiny lights blink in all parts of the globe, log lines of data flashing next to them.

KAY (CONT'D)
This map shows the location of every registered alien on earth at any given time. Some of them we keep under constant surveillance.

He hits a button on the console and the map is replaced by ten big screens.

KAY (CONT'D)
Everyone on these screens is an alien. In public -- normal. In private -- you'll get the idea.

ON THE SCREENS, we see live images of ten humans who are actually aliens.

EDWARDS
Oh, man.

KAY
It makes no sense?

EDWARDS
It makes perfect sense.When I was in third grade, everyone said I was crazy... but I knew our teacher was from Venus or something like that.

KAY
Mrs. Edelson.Jupiter, actually. Well, one of the moons.

Edwards, stunned, looks at Kay as 4-Eyes boots "Irma Edelson" onto the screen.

EDELSON
Class... be quiet and pay attention! If I have to tell you one more time--

ZED's voice is then heard.

ZED (O.S.)
Edwards!

Edwards turns around

ZED
Let's put it on.

EDWARDS
Put what on?

ZED
The last suit you'll ever wear.

CUT TO:

INT. MIB BUILDING - LOCKER ROOM - DAY

The MIB locker room is all gray, each locker with a single letter. Edwards approaches a locker reading "J". ZED'S VOICE comes over:

ZED (O.S.)
From now on, you'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB Special Services.

EDWARDS takes out revealing a BLACK SUIT hung from a hanger in the middle. Above it, on the shelf, a WHITE SHIRT, a WRISTWATCH and a pair of BLACK SUNGLASSES. On the bottom, a pair of SHINY BLACK SHOES.

INT. MIB BUILDING - HEADQUARTERS - DAY

KAY is at a computer terminal. On screen are Edwards's birth certificate, driver's license, social security card, library card, everything. One by one, KAY deletes Edwards's identity cards.

ZED'S VOICE continues:

ZED (O.S.)
You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you.

INT. MIB BUILDING LASER BOOTH - DAY

EDWARDS stands in a cramped white booth.

He holds both his hands on a TEN-FINGERED KEYPAD, pressing down hard. The pad glows red, a SEARING sound comes from his hands, and he grimaces as more lasers instantly and (not at all) painlessly change his fingerprints.

ZED (O.S.)
You will have no identifying marks of any kind. You will not stand out in any way. Your entire image is carefully crafted to leave no lasting memory whatsoever with anyone you encounter.

INT. MIB BUILDING - LOCKER ROOM - DAY


Feet slip into black shoes.

ZED (O.S.)
You're a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never even born.

INT. MIB BUILDING - HEADQUARTERS - DAY

On the computer screen is Edwards' full name -- JAMES DARREL EDWARDS III. Kay punches a couple keys, and the cursor begins to sweep from right to left, starting to eliminate the rightmost letters of Edwards's name.

The watch is put on the wrist.

ZED (O.S.)
Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue.

More letters are eliminated from his name. It reads "JAMES DARREL ED..." then "JAMES DARR..."

The glasses are removed and put on the coat's pocket.

ZED (O.S.)
You are no longer part of "the system."

"JAMES..." "JAM..."

ZED (O.S.)
We're above the system. Over it. Beyond it.

A tie pushed up. The earring is removed.

ZED (O.S.)
We're "them." We're "they."

On screen, all that's left is the letter "J."

ZED (O.S.)
We are the Men in Black.

Kay's screen reads "New Entry: J. Database Updated" as the atom logo shows in the background. Jay's voice is heard.

JAY (O.S.)
The difference between you and me?

Kay moves. Looking slick and handsome in his extremely sharp suit, JAMES D EDWARDS III -- or, rather, JAY -- reaches into his pocket, takes out the sunglasses, and slips 'em on.

JAY (CONT'D)
I make this look good.

CUT TO:

EXT. GEM AND JEWELRY STORE - DAY

Out of one of the "Rosenberg Fine Jewelry" shops on Thirty-Fifth Street comes a short, old man (ROSENBERG), carrying a bag with a cat and an ornate rosewood jewelry box. He talks to the cat.

ROSENBERG
We're going to go for a ride. I'll put you down here for a minute then Daddy will be right back.

Carefully, he puts the bag on a pane with flowers as he locks the revolving door to his distinctive shop.

The Zap-Em Truck then approaches the shop. The cat stares at Edgar as he struggles to position itself in a "not-suspicious" position.

ROSENBERG
Okay, now we're ready to go for a little ride.

That finished, Rosenberg picks up the bag, puts the box in his pocket, then waddles off down the street.

ROSENBERG
We're going to meet with Daddy's friend who you'll like.

Edgar then starts the van and moves it along.

INT. MIB BUILDING - ZED'S OFFICE - DAY

Zed's office is a circular, windowed room elevated above the main floor of MIB headquarters. JAY and KAY sit across the desk from Zed. There are six video monitors on a wall behind Zed's desk, and on each monitor is another Man in Black, in different parts of the world, the city name and a clock ticking in a corner of the image.

While Zed talks, he goes through paperwork on his desk.

ZED
Okay, let's see. (to one of the monitors) Bee, we got the deposed sur-prefect of Sinalee touching down in the forest outside Portland tonight.

BEE, an agent on one of the monitors, nods.

BEE
Humanoid?

ZED
You wish. Bring a sponge. (going through memos) And here. Red-letter from last night -- we had an un-authorized landing somewhere in upstate New York farm country. Keep your ears open for this one, Kay, we're not hosting a galactic kegger down here.

Next to him, his computer screen BEEPS importantly. Zed looks over at it.

ZED
Well, well, well -- we got a skimmer.

KAY
(to Jay)
Landed alien out of zone.
(to Zed)
Who is it?

ZED
Redgick. He's not cleared to leave Manhattan but he's way out of town right now, stuck in traffic on the New Jersey Turnpike. Why don't you take junior with you? This is a good one for him to warm up on.

Kay gets up.

ZED
(to Jay)
Go get 'em, Tiger.

Zed then looks again that the monitor reporting on Redgick.

EXT. MIB BUILDING - BATTERY PARK - DAY

JAY and KAY come out the front of MIB headquarters.

JAY
(imitating Zed)
"We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger..."

Kay frowns at him.

JAY
Zed. He just...

An MIB MECHANIC pulls up in Kay's black LTD and hops out, leaving the door open. Jay sizes up the car.

JAY
Unlimited technology from the whole universe... and we cruise around in a Ford P.O.S.

INT. MIB LTD - DAY

They get in and slam the doors. Kay fastens his seatbelt.

KAY
Fasten seat belt.

He starts the car and the engine HUMS quietly.

JAY
We got to work on your people skills. You'd get a much better reaction if you were more polite.

Kay shifts on reverse, glares at Jay and extends his hands above the wheel.

KAY
Fasten seat belts, please.

JAY
Good. Did you hurt yourself?

Kay steps on the gas. The awesome power of the car kicks in and Jay sails forward, THWACKING into the dash. Kay shifts into forward and taps the gas, SLAMMING Jay back into his seat.

Jay's hand falls by accident on a lever between the seats, with a big red button on it.

KAY
Oh, the red button there. Don't ever, ever touch it.

Jay jerks his hand away.

CUT TO:

EXT. R&L RESTAURANT - DAY

The exterior of R&L, a Russian diner. A cab stops on the door, ROSENBERG steps out of it.

CAB DRIVER
All right, pop,that'll be $72 there.

Rosenberg puts the bag with the cat atop the taxi.

ROSENBERG
Okay, sweetie, let me pay the impolite driver.

A moment later, the Zap-Em van pulls to a stop across the street.

INT. LESHKO'S DINER - DAY

ROSENBERG comes into the tiny restaurant, squinting in the relative darkness. At a table in the middle, he sees a man eating alone -- an enormous, dignified, yet profoundly strange-looking man in his mid fifties. The man (an ARQUILLIAN, and if we're eagle-eyed, we recognize him as the alien on a "diplomatic mission" from passport control) rises from his chair.

Rosenberg walks carefully over to the table, puts the bag on the floor, but does not sit down. He and ROSENBERG embrace each other. The embrace has an odd, formal quality to
it, like mafiosi coming to a sitdown. They hold on, long and hard, and both seemed choked with emotion.

Finally, they break apart and take their seats. They speak in a bizarre alien tongue, which is subtitled.

ROSENBERG
Sorry I'm late. The cab drivers on this planet are terrible.

ARQUILLIAN
Your majesty, you are in grave danger.

ROSENBERG
Yeah, and they overcharge you every time.

ARQUILLIAN
Sir, a bug landed here. We must get you off the planet.

ROSENBERG
A bug? He must know why I'm here.

ARQUILLIAN
We think he does.(noticing the ornate box on the table) Is that what I think it is?

ROSENBERG
No, just some diamonds for your children. Do we have time to eat?

The Arquillian relaxes.

ARQUILLIAN
Sure. I ordered you some pirogi.

INT. LESHKO'S DINER - KITCHEN - DAY

In the kitchen, the Russian COOK slaps two orders of pirogi up on the stainless steel counter --

COOK
Table six is up!

He sees someone approaching...

COOK
Where is Ivan?

VOICE (O.S.)
Gave him a break.

The voice is suspiciously like Edgar's. The cook turns away to his grill. A HAND reaches in, takes the plates, one with each hand. We follow, but see only the arm and aproned midsection of the waiter carrying it. As he steps away, we see a storage shelf crammed with bags of rice, cans of stewed
tomatoes --

-- and the DEAD IVAN, literally folded in half and stuffed in among the shelves.

INT. LESHKO'S DINER - DAY

ROSENBERG and the ARQUILLIAN raise their glasses in a toast. Now it's clear that the waiter approaching in the background is Edgar.

ARQUILLIAN
To the continued reign of the Arquillian Empire.

ROSENBERG
To the safety of the galaxy.

They CLINK glasses and drink, just as Edgar arrives. The plates are put down. Close in on Rosenberg's, from his POV, catching a glimpse of the Waiter's hand --

-- just as an enormous silverfish bug slithers out of the waiter's sleeve and scurries in the dish. Rosenberg looks up to the waiter's face, paralyzed with fear. He seems to know what dire implications Edgar's presence holds.

ROSENBERG
(in English again)
You can kill us both -- but you will not find it.

The Arquilian looks at Edgar, is also afraid. Rosenberg's cat is seen raising his head on the bag.

EDGAR
You're right about one thing.

Suddenly a long STINGER whips out from under the back of Edgar's apron and zips under the table. It hits Rosenberg's neck, and then the Arquillian. Both lurch forward their chairs, their faces contorting in pain. They both pitch forward, their faces slogging into fresh pirogi.

Edgar moves quickly, grabs the ornate box, and leaves, flipping a table on the way. Rosenberg's cat leaps back onto the table and SNARLS at him as he goes. He turns around and grunts at the cat, who proceeds to angrily make a defying gesture. We can see his collar reads "ORION" before the cat hisses again.

Edgar turns around and walks further towards the exit. Another waiter moves to the door frame.

MAN
You're not going anywhere, pal.

Edgar tosses him away, making the waiter's tray loudly fall and make noise. Edgar then pushes the door and walks down the street, with the patron next to the door staring.

PASSERBY
What's going on?

Edgar just hits and makes the man fall.

EXT. R&L RESTAURANT - DAY
Edgar is walking down the street, holding his hip and stretching his arm. The restaurant staff are all gathering at the door to stare at him, as does another man passing by the street.

INT. LESHKO'S DINER - DAY
The cat stares angrily.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - SIDE OF THE ROAD - DAY

A car has pulled over. KAY approaches the DRIVER.

KAY
License and registration, please.

The Driver hands over some documents.

KAY (O.S.)
Other license and registration, please.

The guy digs out two other cards and hands those over. Jay peers over Kay's shoulder.

KAY
You're restricted to Manhattan. Where are you going, Redgie?

REDGICK
It's my wife! She's -- she's -- well, look!

It can be seen the back seat that MRS. REDGICK, with a big belly, lies down, MOANING in pain, making contraction gestures.

KAY
All right. No big deal.

He opens the door.

KAY (cont'd)
Okay, you come with me, Redge.

Redgwick steps out the car, looks at his screaming wife one last time. Kay closes the door, turns to Jay.

KAY
You handle it.

JAY
What? Me?

Kay approaches Redgwick.

KAY
Sure, it's easy, you just sorta -- catch.

REDGICK
He knows what he's doing?

KAY
He does it all the time. Let the man work.

INT. REDGWICK'S CAR - DAY

From Mrs. Redgwick's point of view, her open legs and Jay outside the door. He smiles, gestures happily, and then does an imitation of the "breathing lesson in Lamaze class". Then he looks down to the woman's crotch...

JAY
Kay! Damn, man! So-- Something's peaking!

EXT. HIGHWAY - SIDE OF THE ROAD - DAY
A few yards from the car, Kay turns Redgick to face him. The car has all sorts of stuff above the trunk, so nothing inside the cabin can be seen. A TENTACLE whips out from inside the car, wraps around Jay and pulls him. He struggles trying to get released. The other two never break their conversation.

KAY
Croagg the Midwife's back on 64th and 8th. You were headed out of town.

REDGICK
Well, we're, uh -- meeting someone.

KAY
(still to Redgick)
So? Who you meeting?

REDGICK
Well, it's -- a ship.

KAY
Really? I didn't see a departure clearance for today.

REDGICK
You didn't? Uh, well -- it was an emergency.

The tentacle starts dangling Jay upside down above the car.

JAY
Kay! Kay!

KAY
You're doing fine, ace.

JAY
Kiss my ass!

KAY
(back to Redgick)
What kind of emergency? What's the rush to get off the planet all of a sudden?

Jay is pulled inside the car. And then as the vehicle shakes he emerges still wrapped on the tentacle through the other side.

REDGICK
We just don't like the neighborhood anymore. Some of the -- new arrivals.

Jay starts being bashed on the car ceiling.

KAY
New arrivals? Have anything to do with the crasher from last night?

Redgick looks at Kay, clearly concealing something, but darts his eyes away. Jay is pulled inside the car again.

JAY
(Screaming)
Excuse me, miss!
But in that moment, Jay is ejected with great speed from inside the car. Redge runs towards him. Jay falls, flat on his back in the dirt, the multi-tentacled squidlike baby resting squarely on his chest.

JAY (CONT'D)
Oh -- oh -- oh -- man.

Kay and Redgwick approach. Kay claps him on the back.

KAY
Congratulations, Redge! It's a squid.

Jay looks down at the creature COOING and nestling on his chest.

JAY
(misty)
He's... actually kind of...

It vomits slime on him. Jay spits the one that fell in his mouth, and then the "squid" blinks.

JAY
...cute.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - SIDE OF THE ROAD - MIB LTD - DAY

Back in the car, JAY wipes the last of the puke off his suit while KAY starts up the car.

KAY
Anything about that seem unusual to you?

Jay just looks at him, very Jack Benny.


KAY
What kind of "new arrival" would scare Redgick so bad that he'd risk a warp jump with a newborn?
(thinks)
Let's check the hot sheets.

EXT. NEWSSTAND - DAY

CLOSE ON on various supermarket tabloids as a hand flips through them. There are headlines like "POPE A FATHER!"and "TOP DOCTORS BAFFLED -- BABY BORN PREGNANT!" and "MAN EATS OWN HOUSE!" (the subhead on that one is "And
That's Just the Appetizer, Says Neighbor.")

KAY and JAY are at a downtown newsstand. Kay is furiously searching through the tabs; Jay is standing behind him, a little embarrassed.

JAY
These are the hot sheets?

Kay pulls a copy of the Weekly World News from the stand and gives the guy a buck.

KAY
Best investigative reporting on the planet. Read the New York Times if you want. They get lucky sometimes.

JAY
I cannot believe you're looking for tips in a supermarket tabloid.

KAY
Not looking for. Found.

He SMACKS the paper down on the hood in front of Jay, the pages turned open to a headline in typeface so large one would think it reserved for the Second Coming:

Farm wife says
"ALIEN STOLE MY HUSBAND'S SKIN!"

CUT TO:

EXT. FARMHOUSE - DAY

The LTD pulls to a stop at the end of the driveway that leads to
Beatrice's farmhouse, where the alien ship landed. The wrecked pickup truck is still there. JAY and KAY get out, very undercover cop. Jay starts up the driveway.

KAY
Wait, slow down.

JAY
Why?

KAY
Give her time to get the wrong impression. Makes things smoother.

BEATRICE appears in the door to the house, curious.

Beatrice calls to them.

BEATRICE
Can I help you gentlemen?

KAY
How do you do, ma'am, I'm Special Agent Manheim, this is Agent Black, FBI. Had a few questions about your visitor.

BEATRICE
Are you here to make fun of me too?

KAY
No ma'am. We at the FBI don't have a sense of humor that we're aware of. Mind if we come in?

BEATRICE
Sure. Lemonade?

CUT TO:

INT. FARMHOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Beatrice speaks sitting on the couch.

BEATRICE
The chief of police himself come up to the house and did a full-out professional investigation. Took a police report and writ down everything I said... from A to Z, not believing one thing I said. Sort of poking fun at me. And they said to me, "If he was murdered, how could he walk back in the house?"

JAY sips some of her lemonade and winces, before spitting it back.

BEATRICE
And I gotta admit, I was a little stumped by that one. But I know Edgar. And that wasn't him.

Kay is nodding, while Jay checks out the room. He puts the glass on the table, and picks up a framed PHOTO OF EDGAR

BEATRICE
It was more like something else that was wearing him. Like a suit. An Edgar suit.

A GIGGLE escapes her at the thought. Jay pokes Kay, shows him the picture with Edgar proudly holding his shotgun in the middle of the bog.

JAY
Dude was that ugly before he was an alien.

BEATRICE
I'm sorry.

KAY
Go on.

BEATRICE
Anyway, when I came to, he was gone.

KAY
Did he say anything?

BEATRICE
Yes! He asked for water. Sugar water, if I remember.

KAY
Sugar water.

Kay nods, puts on his sunglasses. Jay puts his as well.

BEATRICE
Yeah, I remember that right. 'Cause I thought that was odd. That he asked me for sugar water and not lemonade or ice water or... regular water or... tap water.

Kay draws his neuralyzer. FLASH! Beatrice freezes, staring straight ahead as if hypnotized. Kay takes his glasses off, Jay follows.

KAY
Okay, Beatrice. There was no alien, and the flash of light you saw in the sky wasn't a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and refracted
the light from Venus --

JAY
Wait a minute. You flash that thing, it erases her memory and you j